To who's friendships has failed;
Do you miss me, do you think of me, or do you even rememberme. Have you forgotten me do you want to forget me. Do you love me do you like me.. or do you just hate me. I often find me thinking about all these failed 'friendships' and find myself thinking about what i miss about them and no longer why they have been ended. In some cases they where my fault and in some cases they have been yours and in most cases they could of been fixed.
Do I think of you, do i miss you, some times yes i do think and miss but do i remember you ever single one. Every one i have ever had a friend and have lost a freind from a simple move away or a falling out I remember you all. The question i should be asking myself is do i still like the ones i had a falling out with. to tell the truth most i don't even know any more the more recent ones haunt me in my dreams. I don't know if thats a good thing. I have been telling myself if i where to run into one on the street i would know the answer then because seeing them would remind me of the reasons why i am no longer there friend.
One person who i will never refur to friend i have been thinking about mainly because i accidently stumbled apon something that reminded me of her. I started to think of the 'friendship' and realized that no matter how i looked at it we wern't freinds at all. She was looking for some one to be her subsitute while she was away from home and i didn't provide i just wanted to be her friend but after time i guess i just stopped careing about what would happen with her weird version of friendship. In the end it sorta bit me harder then i thought. maybe it was the fact that when we finally did talk about it she ended up saying it was all me. all the way i acted and everything was my fault and refused to explain it it sorta hurt. The harsh words and the denial of the truth. I will say this but not out of spite most of which she was preaching to me should have been directed to herself. Maybe she realized this and felt that instead of trying to find a better way to be my friend she should dump me realizing that i'm not what she wanted. so maybe if i keep telling myself this it will make me feel better. When ever i think about it i get a sting. but then i think about something else and it goes away soon after. I guess the trick is not to worry abotu it. I mean i don't have to face it nore do i have to go near it.
Another person who claimed she cared about me above the rest. She cared so much she has claimed she felt things above friendship for me. This one confuses me so much. I felt like the end of this one that i took 12 steps back. 10 steps back from friends, 2 from life. I found myself in such a dark whole altho there is more light there i know i'm still in this whole. Some days i'll feel like i'm on top of the world and then other ones i just want to stay away from everything.
(Mind you my work place doesn't help) I find myself having dreams about this person on occaion. One was where we seemed to be friends again and one friend (who is friends with both of us) was chasing me around wanting ot hear it from my own lips that it was true that i refused to tell her. I think what the dream was telling me is that i wanted to be her friend again but if i where to do so i wouldn't admit it. But this was b4 i saw her. I was so upset to see her not that i hated her that i wouldn't go near her, so it made me mad that she was near my friends.. I'll say it i was mad.. I mean she said some rude stuff about these friends the last time we talked and now she was hanging out with them. I know she said she understands i can't be near her and so she said at such places she would avoid me so she would not ruin my time but there she was in the center of all my friends ... i never felt so violated of space in my life.. i hid like a child i hid behind a palce where i thought she couldn't see me. I once was laying on my bed listing to music and i think i drifted off to sleep because i felt like i was hugging some one and i could hear a heart beat and everything. In my mind, i was hugging you. I don't know why but i miss the hugs. In a strickly platonic way. In away i always said you saved me from something i could of become because when i fell apon you it was the end of another broken friendship but this one was of betrayal. Now that i looked back on it you didn't save me from anything you jsut prolonged me finding a dark place and maybe in some cases could of dug my whole a little deeper. I'll say this now i hate being alone yet i'm anti social i hate people yet i hate not having friends. I think i need to feel loved i need to feel wanted i want to feel wanted i want to feel loved. Never really had that. In tribute to you i shall list all the things i miss about you.
- I miss talking to you about crazy random stuff and the fact you understood my bable.
- I miss your hugs i think it was the fact you where taller so being surrounded in a strong hug was new to me.
- I miss are silly extreamly no platonic yaoi rp's full of angst
- I miss not being afraid to say what ever i wanted around you
- I miss yoru bitterness because i never have been a bitter person so to see someone bitter amused me
- I miss your taste of adventure altho mind you in the past i have had lazy friends so the fact that yo where willing to walk every where with me was fun.
- I miss the fact that you where willing to do things you normally wouldn't do to make me smile.
For some reason at the end of that i wanted to put i miss you. But to miss would seem weird for me to admit in that list... I almost want to send you this link so you can read this entry and maybe understand. I have never been someone to deny any one a friendship it has always been the second party. So i guess in a way you where my friends break up.. and it saddens me because in some ways i regret it but in most ways i had to do it for it was killing me. The weird thing is if you where to call me or if you where to just randomly come over to talk .. at first i most likely would hang up but if you kept trying i would let you in or i would talk to you.. to see if this could be fixed but since you never read this and since i never talk to you or any one who talks to you about this any more i guess it will never befixed.. i guess what i'm trying to say is that i won't deny my friendship from you again if you are willing to make the effort to gain it back. Maybe.. i miss you.
From me.
To who's Friendships are still alive;
You i keep saying you are one of my best friends but i wonder if that is really true, I mean we have tons in common but lately since we haven't talked in a while i find i'm not missing talking to you. Maybe once i talk to you i will realize if i do truely miss you or not. But there are some things i have to say that i know i will never have the strength to say to your face. It bugs me when i have a problem and i come to you that you seem like you don't care nore do you soom to try to resolve it with me. It bugs me that when i rant you try to say anything that makes it seem that you care but are really trying to shut me up. I won't hold it againts you because i understand most people don't like it when people come to them with there problems so i will just keep that in mind but i would like it for you to acutally tell me so instead of trying to quite me in that kind of way. I have decided to no longer come to you with my problems i shall rant some where else.
To you, a friend who have acutally granted a huge wish i have always been dreaming about. I have manythings to say about you but mind you i don't think they are bad I just think i'm listing you here because i have a tendency to lose friends and you are the one i'm most worried about losing. I love the fact that we have lots in common and i love the fact that you don't think i'm pathic even tho i am XD nothing about me annoys you and i think thats what annoys me XD becaue every one has something that annoys me, but you.. not so much and if there is something that annoys me its more os for a min and then it grows on me just like the rest of you has. I like the fact that you always listen to me and it never feels like your judging me. I just wish you would rant to me once in a while so i don't feel like i'm just throwing everything at you. You do rant to me on occassion i'll give you that but mind you lol you might not have nearly as much problems that i think i have most of them must be in my head either that or i think it could be from years of built up anger. But i would like to tell you that i love you... strickly platonic of course. I just wanted to let you know that i value yoru friendship very much and maybe one day i'll tell you but maybe i'll cave and secretly send you the link.
To you.. who i just want to give up on. There seems to always be an excuse as to why we can't talk or why you can't email me.. or why you can't give me any form of communication but yet when ever you need or want something i find it magicly apears the means for you to talk to me. I don't think i really view us as friends any more but I don't hate you either.. i just had to get this off my chest mainly because i know i will never be able to tell you to your face.. hence why i have blocked you.
And to you, once you where my beau but you are no longer due to my wishes and the fact that we where able to remain mature and to remain friends makes me most happy but i love the fact that you are always happy to see me (mind you thats normally a few months in a year) and you are always happy to talk to me when you come online mind you you just bitch at me but i think i love that about you the fact that youc an jsut bitch and rant and know i don't care and that i liek the fact that i'm there for you makes me happy that you are comfortable enough to acutally do so and I'm proud to call you friend and happy I'm yours.
- From Me .. the Inner me.
